I have found spending money on skin care ridiculously unworthy.
Like many of us, I spend just as much, if not more, on high-end restaurants — none of which come close to Ram Bhaiya’s cooking. Yet, I never really considered adding skin care to my list. As a man, apart from applying hand cream every time after washing my hands (yes, I have OCD) and using face wash while showering (does this count?), I never gave much thought to face care.
Last weekend, a pop-up ad nudged me, and I curiously booked an appointment for face cleansing.
It was surprising to notice the number of steps involved in the routine, as if it had been designed and refined over the years — especially for someone used to numbers and processes like me.
Step one is, of course, to clean the face, which, ironically, in my dictionary, was the only step in the entire face cleansing routine.
Did you know that apart from sparkling, still, and mineral water, there’s a new variety called rose water, which is applied to the face as part of the cleansing process to refresh the skin?
The rose water cleanses your skin — ladies, help me out — does it really do anything, or is it just an overpriced bottle of what smells like a talcum powder?
The next step: a blackhead removal patch stuck on your nose like a band-aid. Trust me, this patch is a work of art. Did Michelangelo sculpted it for the benefit of mankind? It perfectly molds to any nose — small, medium, large, even rhinoplastic — with craftsmanship so precise that it aligns with the tip of the nose like a compass pointing 0 degrees North. Don’t rush, you have to keep this on for 5–10 minutes and then slowly pull it out. It pulls out all the micro-garbage your nose has collected over the years — while giving you those oddly satisfying ASMR tickles. Have you tried peeling plastic paint off a wall? Keep that analogy in mind. Once you peel it off, don’t make the mistake of looking at sticky side of it, trust me, you will be embarrassed and most likely doubt your choice on that face wash.
Now, it’s time to exfoliate with steam. Using steam instead of water is a smart move — it further removes surface dirt and softens your skin — alas, only to pinch your face with a tool called a blackhead remover. Again with the black-heads? This tiny tool is both dangerous and painful. It’s designed to peel dirt from your skin — it looks like the opposite end of a needle. Have you ever tried pressing roasted garlic with your fingers? It’s quite similar — you push hard into the skin, and out comes the dirt. Apparently, some of the blackheads are strong-headed and won’t come out with the nose strip hence the need of a remover. It’s not pleasant, and I guarantee a few tears, but it gets the job done, cleaning out all that grease and gunk. Worth the pain? You decide.
After the scraping, you’re hit with steam again to ease the pain. At this point, take a moment to check the mirror — you might just promote yourself from Neanderthal to Homo-Sapien.
If you’re thinking that the session is over, you’re far from it. The last and most time-consuming step is a face mask. There are a variety of face masks on the market, and while they can be expensive, they make your skin feel cool and smell really good. It’s like a special treat for the skin, a reward to bear the pain.
In my case, a liquid mask was applied, and I had to wait for it to dry. Let me bring back the paint analogy — it’s just like applying paint on a wall and waiting for it to dry. To speed up the drying process, a blower can be used, but dare I touch my wife’s hair dryer. I compromised with a table fan. Now, picture a guy with a full beard, half-naked, sitting in a fancy office chair with his face pointed at a table fan, waiting to dry his skin. It’s worth a finance meme — founders waiting for that term sheet an investor promised 6 months ago!
With the fan at maximum speed, the drying time is reduced from twenty minutes to ten. Once the mask has dried, your face feels like a cracked, dried land, and if you try any facial expression, it will crack open.
Finally, you peel the mask off, expecting your face to glow like a beautiful angel. After all, the pain and time should be worth it. Darwin himself, would be proud of us on this detailed evolution of skincare routine. I would, in fact, since evolution is synonym to transformation, add that I expected an afterglow to last at-least a couple of days.
My wife, who had been enjoying her afternoon nap all this while, just woke up, and I was excited to see her reaction. After all, this was my first face-care session, and for a woman who follows a salon routine as diligently as I run financial models, I hoped she would be proud. So, I walk in slowly towards the bed and sit beside her, waiting for a comment.
“You look like a red rotten tomato,” she says.
And just like that, two hundred bucks vanish — and I am demoted to a Homo Rhodesiensis instantly!
